Niners Week Seven Awards: The I Stopped Watching at Halftime Edition

Since the Niners decided not to show up for last night’s game, I’m not going to spend much time on this. Frankly, even the ten minutes I do spend on this is more than that shitty effort deserves.

The Al Davis Award (dysfunctional football team): The Santa Clara Raiders

How about the first four possessions: Three-and-out, missed field goal, three-and-out, and a made short field goal because Anquan Boldin dropped a sure touchdown?

How about Vernon Davis dropping a pass on a seam route, continuing his man-with-no-hands routine from last week?

How about Harbaugh settling for field goal attempts in the first half on two fourth-and-shorts, when he should have known the Niners were going to need to score 40 points to win this game?

How about all the sacks given up by the O-line? I don’t know the final number, because, again, I stopped watching at halftime.

How about the defense repeatedly leaving Denver’s receivers wide open downfield, allowing Peyton Manning to set the touchdown record against them before the end of the first half?

How about leaving Kaepernick, by far the team’s most indispensable player, in to keep taking hits in the fourth quarter of an unwinnable game?

I know the Niners have tons of injuries, I know the Broncos are good, and I know this game was in Denver, but come the fuck on. That was the most Santa Clara Raiders performance in this Santa Clara Raiders season.

The Joe Buck Award (Most Hated Broadcaster): Cris Collinsworth

I don’t blame Collinsworth for being a terrible broadcaster. I mean, it must be really hard to spend three hours talking when Peyton Manning’s balls are in your mouth the entire time.

The Emmitt Smith Award (Most Hated Opponent): Peyton Manning

Dammit

Not the greatest QB ever

Games like this give morons like Collinsworth more ammunition for their ridiculous claim that Manning’s the best quarterback of all time. Yes, he’s had tons of huge seasons and thrown for a gazillion yards and touchdowns. He’s also repeatedly choked in big games, from his four interception visit to Foxborough in 2004 to the Tracy Porter Super Bowl pick-six in 2010 to the abominable blowout loss to the Seabitches this past February. Shit, the quarterback who was most responsible for Manning’s one Super Bowl ring was Rex Grossman, whose horrendous performance in Super Bowl XLI ensured the Colts would win the title.

You know who didn’t repeatedly choke in big games? You know who went 4-0 in the Super Bowl, who was great in the regular season and then statistically raised the level of his play in the playoffs?

Joe Montana, that's fucking who!

Joe Montana, that’s fucking who!

Give me Joe Cool, every fucking time.

Overall Rating For This Game (On a scale of Zero to Twelve Anchors, in honor of San Francisco’s favorite beverage): 0 Anchors

For the second time this year, San Francisco goes a six-pack of Anchor over the St. Louis Macro-Brews

When I was a freshman in college, pre-legal-drinking-age, I once cadged a twelve pack of Rolling Rocks and took it over to a friend’s house. When I handed the twelver to my buddy, he dropped it, and one of the bottles broke. As the precious alcohol began to leak out of the cardboard box, my buddy held the case up over his mouth to catch the dripping cheap beer. Along with the Rolling Rock, shards of broken glass flowed into his mouth. That seems like an appropriate beverage for this game.

The Giants, though? The Giants win the pennant, and they get a full twelve-pack of delicious Anchor Steam Beer.

That’s what clutch looks like, Manning. World Series starts Tuesday.

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