Niners Week Fifteen Awards: This is the End, My Friend Edition

Editor’s note: Since I couldn’t bear to watch the inevitable bloodbath that was last Sunday’s 49ers trip to Seattle (apparently it wasn’t that bad, but still), I called in another guest blogger: my buddy Matt. He’s my freshman year college roommate, my brother in baldness, and my fellow lover of all things Niners and all things distilled in Kentucky. He’s also the most rageful person I know (and yes, I just invented a word to describe how full of rage he is). At first, he was hesitant to do this write-up, telling me that all his anger had been snuffed out by the Niners’ Thanksgiving loss to the Seahawks. That prompted this exchange:


And yet, invoking the miserable ends of the last three seasons didn’t cause Matt anger. Instead, he proffered something far worse: hopelessness. This, my friends, is the 2014 Niners season.

On to Matt’s thoughts:

Brevity because misery

This really isn’t a game recap. I’m not qualified to do that. I don’t know anything about football. I do know that when the opposing quarterback hurts your best linebacker, you’re circling the toilet bowl. I take that back: considering Thanksgiving, the Niners cruised into Seattle soaking in the septic tank.

The 2011-12 Los Angeles Lakers Award (Editor’s note: This hurts my soul so much): The Santa Clara Raiders

A team with so many talented players that just can’t get it together to win games? Phil Jackson would have quit Harbaugh’s job last February. Instead, Harbaugh stuck around to learn the consequences of being an asshole. I don’t remember the guillotine being wheeled out so quickly for Mariucci when he helmed a 4-12 team that ended the Niners’ 16-season streak of double-digit wins.

The Alex Smith Award (Shaky Play from a Quarterback Who May Not Be the Long-Term Solution ): Colin Kaepernick

Colin Kaepernick was supposed to be the Buster Posey of football and deliver us from a decade of terror. Instead, he’s the most sacked quarterback in the NFL. Early in the season, one could tell that the offensive line was terrible. I, for one, was happy to blame the line instead of our GOLDEN GOD. As the season progressed, Kaepernick’s elusiveness has been elusive. For a player so fleet of foot, you’d think he could do better than spending the season doing his best Jay Cutler impression, all the while showing an ability to read the field akin to JaMarcus Russell’s. He looks lost out there, and scared.

Further proof we have become the Raiders

Further proof we have become the Raiders

The Emmitt Smith Award (Most Hated Opponent): The Mirror

This season it didn’t matter who the Niners played, because they had no trouble beating themselves. Off the field, distractions ruled. On the field, the offense looked like it was run by a high school football coach.

Harbaugh’s job was a subject of much conversation before the Niners even lost a game. Sure, everyone in the organization hates him, because he’s a dickhead. Look at him throwing tantrums on the sideline the whole game. Now imagine working with him daily. The man is no Seifert. Instead, he’s an arrogant ass who made the 49ers the best team in football.

York and Baalke did nothing to end this rift. If they had just thrown a bigger contract at Harbaugh, this all would have been over. Instead they seemed intent on crashing this plane … with no survivors!

Now we turn to our criminals. Who knew that a sack against Russell Wilson would mark the end of Rape McDonald’s 49ers career? Ladies don’t false accuse it, folks. We also spent more than half the season waiting for Aldon, mostly because the NFL punished him for obscuring the truth about Ray Rice’s assault and then covering it up. When did Aldon see the video?

On the field, the offense was just garbage, like last season! Last year, Kaepernick had nobody to throw to for half the season because his receivers were hurt. This season, he had nobody to protect him while he looked downfield, hoping that the zombie corpses of Vernon Davis and Michael Crabtree could get open. They couldn’t. Only Anquan Boldin could be counted on (editor’s note: until he got a case of the drops, anyway), and go figure, the wizard defensive coordinators on other teams seemed to notice that. To top it off, along the way Kaepernick forgot that he’s Randall Cunningham. JUST RUN!

Overall Rating For This Game (On a scale of Zero to Twelve Anchors, in honor of San Francisco’s favorite beverage): 0 Anchors

No Anchor Steam. I’ll save that for MLB Opening Day. Instead, I’m drinking a single malt from Westland Distillery in the heart of Seattle.


Some men just want to watch the world burn.

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2 Responses to Niners Week Fifteen Awards: This is the End, My Friend Edition

  1. Matt Bruen says:

    This is the best god damn shit I’ve ever read. A+

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