In the past, I’ve always done one big NFL Preview in which I try to forecast the entire tournament all the way through the Super Bowl. This year I decided to go the more traditional route, with weekly picks, starting with this weekend’s Wild Card Round, which of course features my beloved Niners in their now bi-annual Holy War with the Green Bay Packers. We’ll save that one for last.
San Diego at Cincinnati
Can the otherwise superior Bengals overcome having a ginger as their starting QB?
The Chargers have been maybe the most schizo team in football this year. They beat the Broncos in Denver, but they lost to the Raiders and the Titans. They needed a ton of help last week to make the playoffs, and then after Baltimore and Miami both obliged with losses, the Chargers still needed a missed field goal, a couple of very questionable calls, and overtime to win a home game over a Kansas City team that was sitting its starters. I’m not impressed. Meanwhile, the Bengals went 8-0 at home, have a great defense, and have offensive playmakers in A.J. Green and Gio Bernard to attack a woeful Chargers defense. I wouldn’t want to bet money on Andy Dalton (San Diego definitely has the QB advantage with Phil Rivers) but everything else says Cincy to me. Bengals 34, Chargers 17.
Kansas City at Indianapolis
If you’re a Chiefs fan, you probably don’t feel great about this image
I wouldn’t pay too much attention to the Colts 23-7 win over the Chiefs from a few weeks back, except to note that it’s part of a trend of the Colts playing much more solidly in the last quarter of the season after a major midseason slump. The Chiefs, meanwhile, have gone just 2-5 since their 9-0 start (although two of those losses came against the Broncos, and one was to the Chargers in the aforementioned game, which didn’t matter to K.C. at all). The Chiefs were, on the whole, the better regular season team, and you’d think their pass rushers would be able to get by the Colts offensive line to put pressure on Andrew Luck. Plus, Jamaal Charles is the best skill-position player on either team. But I think the Colts are playing a bit better than the Chiefs right now, and when I look at the QB matchup … look, I’m a longtime Niners fan: I like Alex Smith. I’ll be rooting for him. But who would you rather put your money on: Smith or Luck? Combine that with the Colts having homefield, and I think this does end up looking something like their previous matchup. Let’s say Colts 21, Chiefs 10.
New Orleans at Philadelphia
Winter is coming, New Orleans—and so is Shady McCoy
This one’s gonna be fun. Philly has the league’s most innovative offense, and the best one outside of Denver. On the other hand, the Eagles have an awful defense, one that gave up 48 points a couple of weeks back to a Vikings team that had no Adrian Peterson and was starting Matt Cassell at quarterback. The Saints, as always, have a great passing attack behind Drew Brees and his corps of receivers, and Rob Ryan—as much as I hate to give that fat camera hog credit—helped bring their defense back to respectability. I think the Saints are a better team, and on a neutral field I think they’d win, but New Orleans went just 3-5 on the road this year, and their offense has been much worse when they have to play outdoors. And it’s gonna be cold in Philly. I’ll take the Eagles, 33-24.
San Francisco at Green Bay
That’s some Ice Bowl shit right there
Speaking of cold. Ye gods. A high of 0!!! A low of -18!!! Ironically, though, the awful weather will probably hurt a Packers team that depends on throwing the ball more than it will hurt the team from California, as it accentuates the biggest advantage for San Francisco: The Niners are the more physically dominant team on both the offensive and defensive lines. It’s not a coincidence they’ve beaten the Packers three straight times. Plus, in the last few years Lambeau hasn’t been quite the house of horrors it once was for visiting teams: Green Bay has lost several home playoff games in the last decade, including to the New York Giants in the Divisional Round two years ago, a week before the Kyle Williams Game.
Look, I’m crazy nervous about this game. I predicted to my attorney more than a month ago that Aaron Rodgers would return in time to rally the Packers to the playoffs and that the Niners were going to end up having to go to Lambeau, and now here we are, in what I referred to then as “the nightmare scenario.” But Green Bay’s defense is terrible, especially against the run, and now Colin Kaepernick is playing with confidence and has all his weapons healthy. I’m abjectly terrified of Rodgers—I still think he’s the best QB alive, and by the fourth quarter of the Bears game last week he had shaken off the rust to lead a couple of clutch touchdown drives. But I think the Niners hold too many advantages, I think the poor conditions will end up accentuating those advantages, and I think the Niners will win 23-20.
So now I’ve put the From a Brooklyn Basement jinx (recent victims: the Oakland A’s and Derrick Rose) on my team. May the football gods have mercy on my soul.
For most people, New Year’s is a time for optimism, a time to look forward, to think about things they’d like to accomplish in the coming year, things they’d like to improve about themselves, and maybe the world they live in. But for me, New Year’s is a little different.
December 31 was my longtime girlfriend Lara’s birthday. Those who know me well or who read the blog already know her story , but on this date I can’t help but write a bit more about her. Because on New Year’s Eve I find myself thinking not of what’s to come, but what’s already passed, the calendar pages that she and I watched flip by together.
I think back to 2003, the first New Year’s Eve I spent with Lara, her twenty-fourth birthday.
Lara’s on the right. That guy on the left who actually has hair, believe it or not, is me
We saw a band at an Irish bar in Berkeley, drank Guinness (well, I did) with a bunch of her high school and college friends, who after everything are still mostly my friends. When we drove home, late, it was raining hard, and she pulled into her parents’ driveway and stopped the car and sat and apologized to me, telling me she regretted that she’d hid her illness from me—she had Cystic Fibrosis, and I only found out about it when she got sick and had to quit her first attempt at graduate school, when a mutual friend almost literally dragged the admission from her. She said she needed me to forgive her for the sake of our relationship. I appreciated the apology, but it wasn’t really necessary. I understood that she hadn’t wanted people to know she had a chronic disease, to look at her differently for it, and I’d forgiven her months earlier.
I think about New Year’s Eve 2004, her twenty-fifth birthday, when we were living together in Portland, shortly after she’d decided to drop out of grad school a second time, once again too sick to manage her work load, and to return to California to go on Stanford’s transplant list. We ate a dinner that she didn’t enjoy, and then we went home and she fell asleep on the couch, her head on my lap, before midnight.
I think about New Year’s Eve 2005. She was on the transplant list, and we celebrated a birthday that had every possibility of being her last with a little party at her parents’ house, where she put together her own version of Pin the Tail on the Donkey: Pin the Lungs on the Lolly. It was remarkable to watch how she handled the degradation of her health, the grace she showed while facing her own mortality.
I think about New Year’s Eve 2008, her twenty-ninth birthday. She was more than two years removed from her transplant at that point, less than six months past competing in the Transplant Olympics, probably the healthiest she would ever be.
She ran the hundred meter dash and of course complained that the Transplant Olympics were too much of a “feel-good” event, that she thought they’d be more competitive
That December I’d planned a trip up to Tahoe with all our friends, but I got the stomach flu the night before we were supposed to leave, and ended up staying home. It was our last New Year’s together, and we were two-hundred miles apart. Maybe there’s a metaphor there. I don’t know. It seems more like a simple, sad twist fate to me.
I think about New Year’s Eve 2009, her thirtieth birthday. We had broken up just a little more than a month earlier, after six years together, but she agreed to let me buy her brunch to celebrate the milestone. At some point during our conversation, I mentioned that she hadn’t thought she would make it to thirty. At least, that was the prevailing medical wisdom when she was born. She said, I always thought I would make it. Of course she did.
I think about New Year’s Eve 2010, her thirty-first birthday. I was living in Brooklyn, hadn’t spoken to her since I’d moved east four months earlier. I didn’t call her to say happy birthday. I wasn’t being hostile, wasn’t trying to make a point. Neither of us had called the other since I’d moved. I think we were each in the process of trying to let the other move on with life. Her birthday simply slipped my mind.
It turned out that I wouldn’t have a chance to make amends. She didn’t make it to her thirty-second birthday.
Lolly on our fifth anniversary: October 2, 2008. She passed away on May 6, 2011
Today is December 31, 2013. Ten years have passed since I spent my first New Year’s Eve with Lara. She would have turned thirty-four today.
When I woke up this morning, I listened to this song.
I don’t know which is worse: To wake up and see the sun, or to be the one that’s gone?
That’s a question I’ve often asked myself since her passing. There have been times I felt so broken that it sure seemed worse to be the one that had to face the day. And yet I’m still here, still waking up, day after day, and when I pick myself up out of bed tomorrow, it’ll be 2014, and maybe then I’ll think about what I want to make out of the new year. Maybe then I’ll think about what I can do to take advantage of the time and the opportunities that Lara didn’t get.
But for today I’m looking back. Today, I’m taking the time to say, I miss you, Lolly. And I love you. Always.
The Niners came into this weekend’s game with a playoff spot clinched, but with at least a little bit to play for. A Niners win plus a Seadderall PEDhawks loss would have given the San Francisco the NFC West title and a bye, whereas a Niners loss and a Saints win would have bumped S.F. down to the six seed. Meanwhile, Arizona still had hopes for a playoff spot, though they were slim—they needed the Saints to lose at home to Tampa.
By halftime, it was pretty clear that the Saints and Seabitches were both going to take care of business, meaning the Niners’ seeding was the only matter of import. It turned out I missed the majority of the game because I was on a plane and was “stuck” watching the wildly entertaining Packers-Bears game, but I saw enough to give out a few awards.
The Jerry Rice Award (Most Dominant Player on the Field): Anquan Boldin
Despite Arizona initially having more to play for, the Niners jumped right down the Cardinals’ throats, posting a 17-0 first quarter. The lion’s share of the credit for that early burst goes to Boldin, who had six catches for 106 yards and a TD in the first quarter alone—including a 63-yard catch and run and that TD, a four yard catch on a back shoulder throw that had me telling my attorney that I’d take Boldin on a jump ball over any receiver in the NFL outside of Calvin Johnson.
Get off me!
If all that’s not enough, Boldin also had a huge 18-yard reception on the final drive of the game to help set up the game-winning field goal. He finished with nine catches for 149 yards, and for the season he had 85 receptions for 1,179 yards and seven TDs. You think maybe the Ravens, who went 8-8 and missed the playoffs, regret that trade a bit?
Arizona had kicked a field goal to tie the game at 20 with 29 seconds left. The Niners responded with three consecutive huge plays: a 41-yard LaMichael James’ kickoff return that looked for a moment like he was going to take it to the house; Boldin’s 18-yard reception; and the biggest play of all, an incredible leaping, tightrope-walk of a sideline catch Patton made to gain 22 yards and put the team in field goal range. GIF time:
Patton’s catch reminded me a bit of the old NFL Films clips of Lynn Swann in the Super Bowl, and with Mario Manningham now on IR and out for the season, it gave Niners fans hope that the rookie receiver could potentially be a contributor as a third receiver in the playoffs.
The Joe Montana Award (Coolest Player on the Field): Phil Dawson
Dawson wins this award for the second time this year! He missed a 24-yard chip shot in the first half, breaking his streak of 27 field goals made in a row. Replays showed that holder Andy Lee didn’t get the laces of the football turned out, which, as we all know, can turn a kicker into a cross-dressing mascot kidnapper.
Dawson avoided Ray Finkle’s fate (and saved Andy Lee from dying of gonorrhea and rotting in hell) by bouncing back from the early miss to hit two clutch fourth quarter kicks—a 56-yarder to give the Niners the lead, then a 40-yarder on the game’s final play to hand his team a 23-20 victory. Throw in James’ big return, and San Francisco has to feel pretty good about its special teams heading into the playoffs.
And yes, Colin Kaepernick gets an honorable mention for throwing for 310 yards and for leading the quick-strike drive to get that last field goal. Though I will point out that only the Niners could manage to get a delay of game penalty during a two-minute drill.
And so it comes to this: The Niners victory locked them into the five seed, meaning that, thanks to the Packers dramatic victory over the Bears just minutes earlier, San Francisco will be heading to Lambeau Field for the semi-annual Niners-Packers Holy War. The Niners have beaten the Packers three straight times, with Kaepernick devastating them on the ground and through the air in the last two, and Green Bay’s defense looks atrocious, and the Packers barely made the playoffs at 8-7-1, and … I’m still terrified of this game. Damn you and your finally-healed-after-seven-weeks-just-in-time-to-make-the-playoffs collarbone, Aaron Rodgers. Want to feel sick to your stomach? Watch this GIF twenty times in a row, like I just did.
There was a great deal of pomp and circumstance surrounding Monday Night’s Niners game, seeing as how it was the last game at Candlestick Park. All sorts of people from across the spectrum of sports and entertainment came out to talk about the many memorable moments that happened there over the years—the Catch, the World Series Earthquake, the last ever Beatles concert—while all making a point to note that the place was kind of a frigid hell hole.
I personally wasn’t all that nostalgic about the park closing. I never went to a Niners game there, meaning that my few Candlestick memories are culled from pre-China Basin Giants games—not exactly the halcyon days of San Francisco baseball. My main concern for last night was that the Niners put their feet to the asses of the 4-10 Falcons and lockdown a playoff spot. I figured the combination of the Candlestick hype and the National TV broadcast would prevent the Niners from having a subpar look-ahead effort, and that they would summarily thrash a Falcons team that has been pretty terrible this year after barely losing to the Niners in the NFC Championship Game last season.
This was, uh, not exactly how things went.
The Jerry Rice Award (Most Dominant Player on the Field): Patrick Willis
The 2013 season has been a bit of a quiet one by P-Willy’s lofty standards—he’s suffered through some nagging injuries and has ceded some of the spotlight to NaVorro Bowman, who leads the team in tackles by a mile and has been so impressive that last week I said he’s been the team MVP this year. But last night was a throwback game for Willis, who had 18 tackles, spent all night flying around the field like a madman, and dished out a couple of bone-crunching hits that had me screaming KILL THAT MOTHERFUCKER PATRICK WILLIS.
It makes me happy when I get to scream that.
The Dennis Erickson Award (Offense That Forgot to Show Up): The Niners First Half Offense
This award is named in honor of the incompetent head coach of the 2004 Niners, the worst offense I’ve ever seen in San Francisco. Colin Kaepernick and Co. put together a seriously dispiriting first half, scoring just three points in the first half against a Falcons defense that has been one of the worst units in football this year. And it wasn’t just the lack of success, it was the way they did it—too many penalties, bad drops (Vernon Davis gets the lion’s share of the scorn here, not getting his feet down in bounds on one sideline route and then dropping another deep ball—he finished the day with no catches), and a general sense of ennui. They got their shit together somewhat in the second half, with Frank Gore running for 97 yards and a TD, Kaepernick gaining 51 yards rushing and a TD, Michael Crabtree putting together his first 100-yard game of the season, and Anquan Boldin scoring on a nice wide receiver screen, but on the whole, they didn’t inspire a ton of confidence.
The Jim Mora, Jr. Award (Defense That Forgot to Show Up): The Niners Defense
This award is named in honor of the incompetent defensive coordinator of the 1999 49ers, the most abysmal defense I’ve seen in San Francisco. Willis had a great game, and we’ll get to Bowman in a second, but outside of the team’s transcendent linebackers, the Niners defense basically didn’t show up. The front four didn’t get pressure on Matt Ryan, and he responded by torching the Niners secondary for 348 yards, 141 of those to Roddy White. Which I’m pretty sure is more than White had all freaking season coming into this game. Trust me, I had him on my fantasy team. But I’m not bitter about it. Not at all … At any rate, it was the worst effort of the season for a defense that thus far had played well in every single game, even the losses.
The Ahmad Brooks Award (Ridiculous Penalty That Shows That Football As We Once Knew It Is Dead): Donte Whitner
If the penalty called against Ahmad Brooks that cost the Niners the Saints game and drove me to the point of homicidal rage is the worst instance of overprotective officiating I’ve seen this year, than the personal foul called on Whitner in the second quarter is a close second. On third down, Matt Ryan slung the ball out to Steven Jackson in the flat, and Whitner proceeded to light him up with a huge hit—which drew a 15-yard penalty. Now, just watch the hit:
Whitner hit Jackson in the chest, with his shoulder. What’s he supposed to do, politely ask him to please take a knee? Take his jacket off and cover a mud puddle to keep Jackson’s feet from getting wet? This penalty gave the Falcons first-and-goal, and they quickly scored a touchdown. As much as the defense was garbage last night, it’s hard to criticize them too much when they’re not even allowed to tackle offensive players. Football has become a joke.
The Emmett Smith Award (Most Hated Opponent): Matt Ryan
From the time he came into the league, I’ve thought the Falcons quarterback was overrated. He was given the silly nickname “Matty Ice” before he’d ever won a playoff game. Also, he’s a ginger. But I’d appreciate it if the Niners would not invalidate my anti-Ryan position by giving up huge games to the guy. Ryan completed 37 of 48 passes last night and looked pretty much unstoppable in the second half, almost leading an improbable comeback. Until…
Shit was about to get seriously dire. The Niners had allowed the Falcons to rally from a 10-point deficit, and after Bowman whiffed on an onside kick, Atlanta had the ball inside the Niners 20-yard line with a chance to at worst tie the game with a field goal—and the way Ryan was throwing the ball, it looked like they were going to score a touchdown to take the lead. A Niners loss in this game would have been devastating, as it would have most likely made next week’s road game at Arizona a win-or-go-home de facto playoff game—against a Cardinals team that just beat the Seahawks in Seattle. As Atlanta got closer and closer to the goal line, I started to mentally compose my eulogy for this season.
Then, with just over a minute on the clock, on 2nd-and-1, Ryan threw a quick slant to Harry Douglas. Tramaine Brock, who’d had his worst game as a starter up to that point, jumped the route and batted the ball up in the air. Bowman caught the tipped pass and looked up to see 89-yards of green grass ahead of him. Pandaemonium.
With that Pick-Six, Bowman salted away a 34-24 victory, clinched a playoff spot, atoned for his failure to recover the onside kick, cemented his status as team MVP, and made himself a legend in the final home game the Niners will play in the city of San Francisco.
That was a bullshit effort by the Niners, a 2- or 3-Anchor game at best, even if they hold on to win at the end—until the Bowman interception, which was so sublime that it instantly became a defining moment for the season.
I could go through all sorts of playoff permutations now, but there’ll be time for that next week. Right now, I’m just gonna enjoy this.
This may come as a surprise to some, but I was very concerned about this week’s game. The Niners were coming off their biggest win of the season, the 19-17 Revenge Bowl victory over the SeAdderall PEDhawks, were playing against a Tampa team that is out of the playoff hunt but had won four of its last five (and had also nearly beaten the Seagulls in Seattle), and finally were playing an early start on the East Coast–a scenario in which West Coast teams historically struggle. All these factors combined to make this seem like a made-to-order let-down game defeat.
Instead, the Niners came out and stomped the Bucs, winning 33-14 and leaving me in a very good mood to write this recap. Let’s hand out some awards.
The Jerry Rice Award (Most Dominant Player on the Field): Colin Kaepernick
Stiff Arm!
That’s what I’m talking about! For the first time since Week One, we saw the kind of performance from Colin Kaepernick that we were expecting this whole season. He kept plays alive with his legs, running for first downs and buying time to throw the ball downfield, and he made a number of impressive throws, including the howitzer he fired to Vernon Davis for a 52-yard second quarter touchdown. The numbers (19-29 for 203 yards and 2 TDs, with 39 yards rushing) aren’t crazy impressive, but he was in command of the game in a way he hadn’t shown since he detonated the Packers. In particular, he was able to make plays to convert third downs and keep drives alive–something that he hadn’t been able to do when the offense was going through its midseason doldrums. He accomplished this most of all on the 17-play, 10-plus-minute fourth quarter drive that salted the game away, buying time before gunning a 14-yard completion to Michael Crabtree on a third-and-12, then later scrambling for a 10-yard gain on third-and-6. It was the sort of game that made me say, before the season started, that Kaepernick is one of the most valuable players in the NFL.
The Justin Smith Award (Big Guy Who Breaks Things): Justin and Aldon Smith
The Niners put together a mostly dominating performance on defense. Tampa did manage two quick touchdown drives, one at the end of the first half and one early in the fourth quarter, but otherwise they did nothing all day. The Bucs gained just 183 total yards on offense (less than half the Niners’ total of 376) and converted just one of ten third down chances. Credit goes to the entire defensive unit, but the Smith boys were especially impressive, combining for three sacks and repeatedly breaking down the pocket to pressure Bucs QB Mike Glennon. Justin Smith’s sack was a particular Justin Smith sort of play, a display of Bear-like power that ended with him flinging Glennon through the air like one of those World’s Strongest Man contestants tossing a tire.
MAW!!!
For his part, in the second half Aldon Smith put together one of those stretches of football that only he is capable of, blowing past Tampa’s left tackle on seemingly every play. I’m not sure why he gets on streaks like that and disappears at other times—he sort of reminds me of Buster Posey in the way he can get red hot and then suddenly go ice cold—but given the problems he’s had this year, it’s nice to see he’s still capable of that sort of effort.
This looks like something that’s about to be painful
The Santonio Holmes Award (Most Amusingly Pathetic Play): Lavonte David
This award is named for the immortal Santonio Holmes, who in the Niners-Jets game last year hurt his foot after catching a pass, fell to the ground, and flung the ball away in frustration—only he hadn’t been touched yet, so Niners cornerback Carlos Rogers picked the ball up and returned it 51 yards for a touchdown. It’s one of my favorite hilarious football moments, and it was nearly matched today by Tampa linebacker Lavonte David. In the third quarter, Tampa jumped offsides before the snap and Kaepernick, knowing he had a free play, lofted a pass deep up the sideline for Vernon Davis. Davis juggled the ball and dropped it right into the arms of David, who got up and started running downfield, briefly stopping to jump and chest bump a couple of his teammates, then continued to the end zone for a touchdown—which he was largely able to do because no one really tried all that hard to tackle him, because everyone on the Niners knew the play was getting called back. It’s totally GIF-worthy:
Even better, the Tampa linebacker actually hurt himself during the return and ended up needing medical attention. The injury was apparently minor (I think he just ran out of breath), and David soon returned the game. But the whole thing was completely hilarious—even Kaepernick was laughing about it on the field.
As I said in the intro, this was a game I was worried about. But the Niners put my fears to rest with a complete team effort. Between Kaepernick looking like last year’s playoff Kaepernick, the continued improvement of the receiving corps (Michael Crabtree caught his first TD pass of the season, Davis had that long TD, and Anquan Boldin had several clutch third-down catches, including a one-handed grab I still can’t believe I saw), and the defense’s general fearsomeness, this was an effort to celebrate. If that’s not enough, the Niners now have a legit shot to jump a spot in the NFC playoff picture: The Saints lost to the Rams 27-16 yesterday, dropping them to 10-4, deadlocked with both the Panthers and the Niners. The Niners lose the tiebreak to either of those teams, BUT the Saints and Panthers play each other next week, essentially guaranteeing that at least one of them will finish with 5 losses. So, if the Niners win out (their final two games are a likely cakewalk against the Falcons in the final game at Candlestick and a tough season finale at Arizona, who may be eliminated from the playoffs by then), they will leapfrog one of those teams. That’s potentially huge because, assuming they get past Round One, as a six seed they’d be guaranteed a Round Two trip to Seattle; but, as a five seed, there’s a chance they could put that nightmare matchup off by another week.
So, to sum up, the Niners improved their playoff positioning, and they played the kind of game that gave me some confidence that they could actually go on a real run in this year’s playoffs. I’m feeling better than I would after a run-of-the-mill Four Anchor win. Right now, I’m feeling Five Anchors.
In the conclusion of my Week Thirteen recap, I wrote that for me to even consider the possibility that the Niners could be a Super Bowl contender, they had to beat the Seadderall P.E.D.-hawks at home on Sunday. The Niners accomplished that, beating the Seagulls 19-17, exacting a measure of revenge for two straight blowout losses at the hands of their division rivals and bringing their record to 9-4. So, with my liver still reeling from the punishment I gave it on Sunday (seriously, my body feels like I played in that game), let’s hand out some awards and take stock of where the team stands.
The Joe Montana Award (Coolest Player on the Field): Phil Dawson
Clutch
Giving the Joe Montana award to the kicker? You’re goddamn right I am! Dawson struggled in the first four games of the season, missing three of his first six attempts and prompting me to hand him the “Where Have You Gone Joe Nedney? Award. “Well, Dawson sure got his shit together: He has since made 20 straight field goals, including four on Sunday. Aside from the game-winning chip shot, he drilled two long kicks in the first half (one 48-yarder, one 52-yarder). If he misses either of those, this game could turn out very differently. Dawson was as cool as Cool Joe out there.
The Jerry Rice Award (Most Dominant Player on the Field): NaVorro Bowman
This award really goes to the entire defense: They held the Seagulls to just 264 total yards, contained Russell Wilson, and held Beast Mode to 72 yards rushing. They were particularly dominant in the second half: Seattle’s only points after intermission came on a field goal when they started a possession at the Niners 27-yard line following a long punt return.
BOWMAN SMASH!
With all that said, the biggest shout-out definitely goes to Bowman. He led the team with nine tackles and really set the tone for the whole game on Seattle’s first possession, when he absolutely destroyed a scrambling Wilson with a hit that forced a fumble that bounced out of bounds. When I conferred with my attorney after the game, he said he thought Bowman has been the team’s MVP this year—and I think I have to agree. I love “Kill that Motherfucker” Patrick Willis as much as anybody, but Bowman, who leads the team in tackles by a mile, has turned in a clearly superior season.
Honorable mention goes to the first quarter blocked punt, the second time the Niners have blocked a Seagulls punt this year. But come on, you know which play I’m going to talk about. It’s GIF time:
On the Niners’ final possession, with less than four minutes on the clock, Gore, who had been mostly quiet up until that point, took a handoff 0n a sweep left, found a big hole (thanks to fantastic blocking from the O-line and fullback Bruce Miller), and then cut back all the way across the field, gashing through Seattle’s defense and past Pro Bowl safety Earl Thomas. He ran out of gas at the Seattle 18 after a 51-yard gain, but was smart enough to go down before he went out of bounds to keep the clock moving. It was unquestionably the play of the season—as my attorney said: “Gore saved Christmas.”
BONUS AWARD: The Official From a Brooklyn Basement Dreamgirl: Alison Brie
One of the magazines that I work for—when I’m not writing Niners recaps that no one reads—does at least one high-fashion photo shoot a month, typical with a celebrity actor or actress as a model. Over the weekend our art director and photo editor were in L.A. to do a couple of shoots, and on Sunday afternoon the model was Alison Brie of Mad Men and Community. As I said in my review of Season 6 of Mad Men, I love me some Alison Brie. But my casual affection for her transformed into an unhealthy obsession when our photo editor told me that his main job on Sunday afternoon was to keep Brie updated on the Niners, and that the second the shoot ended, she ran off the set and into the hotel bar to catch the last moments of the game. I like to think this is how she looked when the clock hit :00.
Obsession, y’all. Seriously.
Ye Gods. I think I just had a seizure. Time to wrap this up.
In the grand scheme of things, this game didn’t change the Niners’ prognosis all that much. Colin Kaepernick and the offense still looked impotent for long stretches, and couldn’t cash in on a number of early red zone chances. The Seagulls are still going to get homefield advantage, and the Niners are still most likely going to end up the six-seed in the NFC playoffs, meaning that if they can get past Wild Card weekend (it’s looking very likely they’ll be going to Philly to take on the high octane offense of the Eagles), they’ll have to beat the Seagulls in Seattle to get to the Super Bowl. That’s gonna be tough.
But we can hold off on those thoughts for at least one day, because man, that win was FUCKING SWEET. I will never hate any team, in any sport, as much as I hate the Dallas Cowboys, but this Seattle team has definitely earned it’s fair share of loathing (Pete Carroll may have found himself a spot on my prestigious “Top 5 People I Want to Punch in the Face” list). The best Anchor rating I’ve ever given a regular season game was the 8.5 Terrell Owens earned for repeatedly taking a shit on the star at midfield in Dallas in 2000, and the best rating I’ve handed out this year was a 7.5 for the exciting Week One win over the Packers. This one fits right in between those two, with 8 Anchors sounding just about right.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to take a nap. For a week.
The Niners came into Week Thirteen with basically no shot at winning the NFC West and, given the very competitive NFC, found themselves suddenly in danger of missing the playoffs entirely. As such, this game was a must-win, and the team responded in kind with a dominating 23-13 win that earned them a bunch of awards.
The Joe Montana Award (Coolest Player on the Field): Colin Kaepernick
Kaepernick kept his cool on Sunday
As the Niners offense has struggled during much of the season, Colin Kaepernick has come to be one of the most criticized and dissected players in the NFL. Some of it has been justified, some less so. Yesterday, though, he looked probably the best he has since the Green Bay game in Week One. He completed 19 of 28 passes for 275 yards and one touchdown, throwing the ball efficiently and, what’s more, looking cool and collected while doing so. That last part is especially impressive because, after Joe Staley suffered a knee injury on the first series, the Niners had three offensive linemen playing out of position, and Kaepernick was sacked four times and had to scramble away from pressure on numerous occasions. But he never got rattled, as he has a couple of times this year, and he gave a performance that was very much in line with what we expected from him coming into this season.
The Jesus Christ Award (Most Anticipated Return): Michael Crabtree
It was nice to see these guys lined up next to each other again
The team’s struggles in the passing game (Niners wide receivers came into this game last in the NFL in receptions, yards, and TDs) have led to San Francisco fans pining for Crabtree’s return with a fervency usually reserved for fans of Jesus. He (Crabtree, not Jesus) played his first game of the season today, and while he didn’t fill the stat sheet (just two catches for 68 yards), he looked like the old Crabtree when he caught a 60-yard pass on a double move. What’s more, while this is hard to confirm without the coach’s tapes, it sure seemed like the other receivers had more room to work with today. With Crabtree, Boldin, Manningham, and Davis all healthy, the Niners have their full collection of receivers for the first time in 2013. I don’t know that we’re going to heaven … er, the Super Bowl … now, but this sure seems to be a positive development.
The Terrell Owens Award (Wide Receiver Who Steals the Spotlight): Anquan Boldin
Longtime Niners fans will surely remember the final home game of the 2000 season. The Niners had already been eliminated from the playoffs, and legendary receiver Jerry Rice’s contract was about to end, meaning that this was Rice’s last home game at Candlestick. The Chicago Bears figured the Niners would do everything they could to get Rice the ball and threw all their coverage at him. Terrell Owens, who by that time had supplanted Rice as the team’s best receiver, ended up catching a then-NFL record 20 passes for 283 yards.
Note that T.O. and Boldin both wear number 81
Yesterday’s game didn’t have quite those kinds of fireworks, but with all the pregame hype surrounding Crabtree’s return, Anquan Boldin came out and had a typical Anquan Boldin effort: Nine catches for 98 yards, including a number of key third down conversions on the team’s first touchdown drive. Plus, he was talking A LOT of shit, which I think led to a Rams defensive back trying to throw an extra hard hit at him on that drive, a hit that resulted in a key 15-yard penalty. Great effort from Boldin–exactly what we’ve come to expect from him.
Late in the third quarter, the Niners had the ball deep in Rams territory following Crabtree’s 60-yard catch, only to give the ball right back to St. Louis on a Frank Gore fumble. With the score still just 16-6, it seemed like a key play. But the Rams went three-and-out, and on fourth down tried a fake punt. The play they drew up was a reverse, but Anthony Dixon, normally a third-string running back who takes the garbage time handoffs, read the play, blew it up, and then made a huge tackle. A great play by Dixon, one that shows how important quality depth is to a football team. The Niners had the ball inside the Rams 20, and put the game away with a Vernon Davis touchdown. Speaking of which…
The Jackie Joyner-Kersee Award (Hurdling): Vernon Davis
Davis made two plays that exhibited his amazing athleticism. In the first quarter he hurdled a Rams defender in the midst of an impressive run after the catch, and then on the Niners final TD, he did it again, leaping over a Rams defensive back at the goal line. This one was so great, it gets a GIF:
For his hurdling efforts (and for the hit he took in the third quarter that almost removed his manly parts), he gets an award named after former Olympic heptathlete Jackie Joyner-Kersee. Congrats, VD–though I’m pretty sure he’s only happy about one part of this award.
For the second time this year, San Francisco goes a six-pack of Anchor over the St. Louis Macro-Brews
The Rams had been playing really well of late–they had scored 80 points over their last two games, both wins, one of them at Indianapolis–and they are a physical team that gave the Niners fits last year. But, as they did earlier in the year at St. Louis, and last week at Washington, the Niners defense came out and physically dominated the opposition. Combined with the way the offense seemed to be clicking better than at pretty much any other point this season, I think this win deserves a full six-pack.
Not that I’m fully satisfied, mind you. The Niners now stand at 8-4, remaining in sole possession of the final NFC playoff spot, with their biggest test of the season looming next week: the rematch with Seattle. The P.E.D.-hawks are 10-1 (pending Monday night) and have killed the Niners twice in a row, but San Francisco will be getting their chief rivals at Candlestick, on a short week, following what is a huge matchup for Seattle–a game against the Saints that could determine homefield advantage throughout the playoffs. I’m really happy with how the Niners looked today, but if they want to be considered true Super Bowl contenders, they HAVE to win next Sunday. We shall see.
In desperate need of a victory to end a two-game losing streak, the Niners traveled east to play Washington on Monday night. The result was a dominating 27-6 San Francisco victory. So I get to give some awards that aren’t laced with bitterness and hatred. Actually, that’s not true, but it at least took me a few paragraphs to get to the vitriol this week.
The Jerry Rice Award (Most Dominant Player on the Field): The Niners Defensive Line
Aldon Smith was back in form last night
I’m pretty sure Robert Griffin III is going to have nightmares about the Niners defensive line this week. It started early, as Ahmad Brooks, obviously still pissed that he got fined more for his should-have-been-legal hit on Drew Brees last week than Clay Matthews did for his pro-wrestling-style out-of-bounds late hit on Colin Kapernick in Week One, spent the entire first quarter in the Redskins backfield. He finished the game with two sacks and three tackles for loss. Then, in the second half, with the game still at least academically in doubt, Aldon Smith (looking like the guy who had more than 30 sacks in his first two years in the league) and Justin Smith (who sported a fu manchu and a mullet to go with his always stylish Budweiser logo biceps tattoo) collapsed the pocket on virtually every play. Officially the Niners only had four sacks, but it felt like twice that many, and the Redskins gained just 30 yards in the entire second half–the lowest total for a team in any NFL game this year.
The Anquan Boldin Award (Competent Wide Receiver Play): Anquan Boldin
Boldin’s first quarter TD got the Niners offense off the schneid
San Francisco’s receiving corps has been so putrid in recent weeks that it’s caused Niners fans to become almost hysterical in their pining for Michael Crabtree. So it was refreshing to see Anquan Boldin have a real “Anquan Boldin” kind of game: five receptions (several of them tough, drive-sustaining catches in traffic) for 94 yards and two touchdowns. It was so refreshing, in fact, that Boldin gets an award named after him this week.
The Alex Smith Award (Young quarterback thrust into a depressing and impossible situation): Robert Griffin III
I’m stoked that the Niners won last night, but I find the RG3 situation to be so depressing. You know how some women get beaten by their husbands and end up in shelters and hospitals and such, and then when they leave they go right back to the abusive man? Watching RG3 last night felt like watching one of those situations, especially when Mike Shanahan kept sending him back in the game in the fourth quarter, when the score was out of reach. Forget the knee injury–I worry he’s gonna end up with PTSD, Gomer Pyle-style.
RG3!?!? What happened?!?!
To see one of the most exciting, likable young players in the NFL take this sort of wanton abuse and just fall apart on national TV isn’t fun, even when it’s your team that’s dishing out the punishment.
The Emmitt Smith Award (Most hated opponent): Daniel Snyder
During the first half last night, Washington had a small on-field ceremony to honor the famous Navajo Code Talkers from World War II. Those men surely served honorably and deserve to be celebrated.
Sorry, I’m not buying it
But the fact that Washington had the ceremony on national TV during a Monday Night Football game was such an obvious PR ploy, such a cynical attempt to prove that they’re not racist, while owner Daniel Snyder (a team owner who is so execrable that ESPN’s Gregg Easterbrook calls him “Voldemort”) refuses to even consider changing their racial slur of a moniker (which you’ll notice I have not used in this column), that it just really pissed me off. So here’s a big fat middle finger to you, Daniel Snyder. Change the fucking name already. In fact, my attorney suggested the perfect name for your team full of incompetent, selfish, in-fighting, overpaid shitbags who happen to work in our nation’s capital: the Congressmen.
The Niners brought their record back up to 7-4 with the win, reclaiming, at least for the moment, the final NFC playoff spot from the suddenly threatening Arizona Cardinals. They looked pretty good in the process as well, but let’s not fool ourselves. That game didn’t teach us anything other than that Washington is awful and that the Niners can still physically dominate awful teams with line play. For now, this win gets the same number of Anchors as our blowout wins over doormats like Houston and Jacksonville earlier this year. Turn in an effort like this against the P.E.D.-hawks two weeks from now, and then I’ll start to rev the bandwagon back up again.
On Sunday, the Niners traveled to New Orleans to play the resurgent Saints. The Superdome is a place where the Saints enjoy a tremendous homefield advantage, and it is also the place the Niners lost a heartbreaking Super Bowl just over seven months ago.
A place that’s become a torture chamber for Niners fans
Given the way the Niners have struggled on offense as of late, and the way the Saints have played on offense, this year, I had a bad feeling about this game. But even I wasn’t prepared for what it turned into–the most damaging regular season loss in my life of Niner-fandom, by a score of 23-20. I’m still furious about the whole thing. Why, you ask? Allow me to explain.
The Adam Walker Award (Player Whose Actions Most Led to Defeat): The Referees
First of all, I hate it when sports fans get all whiny and blame losses on the referees. In my whole life of watching sports, I have seen a lot of shady shit from officiating crews, but there’s only one game that I am 100% convinced was thrown by the referees: Game 6 of the Kings-Lakers 2002 Western Conference Finals.
Otherwise, even when the refs screw you, there are always other things you can point to. That is certainly the case here. The Niners were abysmal on offense, again. They got three of their four scores, including both of their touchdowns, as a direct result of Saints turnovers. They struggled with clock management, as always. And the series of events that led to the winning field goal … well, I’ll get to that. But I feel justifiable in my righteous fury and indignation at the bullshit fourth quarter roughing the passer call on Ahmad Brooks. With the Niners holding to a 20-17 lead, the Saints drove across midfield with less than five minutes left on the clock. On a crucial third down play, Saints QB Drew Brees dropped back to pass, and Niners linebacker Ahmad Brooks came roaring around the corner and crashed into Brees, forcing a fumble that Patrick Willis recovered. Ball game. Until the flags came in. Roughing the passer. Fifteen yards. First down. Now, I get that referees feel like they have to protect quarterbacks, but look at this still shot of the hit:
Last I checked, they play TACKLE football in the NFL
Brooks hit Brees high, but he didn’t hit him in the head. It was close to the neck, but when Brooks made contact, his arm was across the top part of Brees’ chest. The hit wasn’t late–Brees had the ball in his hands. It looked like a brutal hit, but you know why that is? Because football is a brutal sport. Ahmad Brooks weighs 260 pounds and he was running as fast as he could into another person BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT FOOTBALL PLAYERS DO. What is Brooks supposed to do, curtsy and politely ask Brees to hand the ball over? I know people probably think I’m biased because I’m a Niners fan, and yeah, I am a bit biased, but I promise you that if this situation were exactly reversed, and a Saints linebacker hit Colin Kaepernick exactly the same way, I would not be crying for a penalty. Because that was a clean hit, and that penalty was fucking bullshit. And instead of the Niners running out the clock, the Saints went on and kicked the game-tying field goal.
The Kyle Williams Award (The Other Player Whose Actions Most Led to Defeat): Colin Kaepernick
Look, I’ve been just about the most vocal Colin Kaepernick supporter on the entire planet. Anyone who suggests that the Niners would be doing better right now if they still had Alex Smith is smoking rocks. But it has to be said, things are not going real well these days. Kaepernick had another subpar outing, looking flustered under pressure, failing to get the ball downfield, and making several poor decisions (more on this in a second). He threw for just 127 yards in this game, and has thrown for fewer yards in the last three games than he did in the season opening win against Green Bay. (Remember that? Back when we still had delusions of grandeur about this season?) I can’t even tell what the problem is: Is it that his receivers don’t get open downfield? Did the team get in his head making him worry about getting hurt, neutering his running ability as a weapon? Is he not as good at reading defenses as we thought? All of the above?
Kaepernick wasn’t alone at all in his responsibility for this loss. Frank Gore dropped a pass that was almost certainly going to turn into a game-sealing touchdown, and the Niners receivers once again disappointed (the broadcast’s most telling graphic: Niners receivers are last in the NFL in catches, yards, and TDs). But Kaepernick contributed mightily to the sequence that ultimately cost the team the game. On the Niners final possession, they were pinned deep in their own territory. On first down, Kaepernick took a sack. On second down, he dropped back to pass and under pressure ran back toward his goal line before throwing the ball away. It probably should have been intentional grounding, and while he was clearly out of the end zone, he was close enough to committing a game-ending safety that you had to wonder what he was thinking. Then, on third and 19 he scrambled to the sideline and came up three yards short of the first down–in the process going out of bounds, which stopped the clock and gave the Saints that much more time to mount a final drive. Now, it’s hard to totally kill a quarterback over this–they’re constantly told to get out of bounds to avoid hits, and Kaepernick especially because the Niners have been so worried about him getting hurt–but this was a monumentally stupid play. When, on the ensuing punt, Kassim Osgood one-upped Kaepernick’s mental mistake by hitting Darren Sproles after he called for a fair catch, drawing a fifteen yard penalty and giving the Saints the ball near midfield, the final drive was a mere formality. The game was over.
The Patrick Willis Award (Lone Bright Spot in a Season That’s Rapidly Falling Apart): The Niners Defense
As much as this post is all about venting my rage about how this team has fallen apart, this needs to be said: The defense is still playing really well. They held the Saints to just 23 points (with six of those coming on late field goals) in the Superdome, a stadium in which, coming into this game, the Saints had gone 5-0 while averaging 35 points per game this year.
This continues a trend of the Niners defense continuing to play well even in losses. They only gave up ten points to Carolina last week. They gave up 29 and 27 in the losses to Seattle and Indianapolis, respectively, but both of those numbers were inflated by the defense getting tired late because they’d been on the field for too much of the game due to the offense’s inability to convert on third down and string together anything resembling a sustained drive. It’s not much to cling to, but don’t let anyone tell you the Niners defense has declined this year. P-Willy and the boys are as badass as ever.
Overall Rating For This Game (On a scale of Zero to Twelve Anchors, in honor of San Francisco’s favorite beverage): 1 bottle of Old Potrero Whiskey
Anchor. Whiskey.
Through ten games, the Niners are now 6-4. Not only is the NFC West title now completely out of a question, but the team is in legitimate danger of missing the playoffs. Carolina is 7-3, has the head-to-head tiebreaker, and is generally looking like a playoff lock and a better version of the Niners; and the Bears, Lions, and Cardinals are all also 6-4. Don’t sleep on the Cardinals: they’ve got a good defense, and the Niners close the season with a game at Arizona, where the Cards play really well. Plus, the Niners still have to host Seattle in two weeks (and I don’t care if that game is at Candlestick or on the fucking moon, if the offense doesn’t get its shit together there is no way this team is beating the Seahawks).
So, because of the frustrating way the loss happened, and because of the damage it did to the team’s playoff hopes, I’d say this is the most damaging regular season loss since the game early in the 2008 season when Brett Favre threw a desperation TD pass on the final play to deal San Francisco a devastating loss. But I think this one is worse, because as awful as that was–and god, do I hate Brett Favre, forever and always–that was a Mike Singletary/Alex Smith Niners team; nobody really believed in them. But we had real Super Bowl aspirations this year. And boy, have those gone up in smoke.
So, given the darkness of this hour, what’s the beverage of choice? A little-known fact for those who aren’t committed booze hounds: San Francisco’s famed Anchor Brewing Company also has a small distillery onsite that makes three kinds of whiskeys. And that loss on Sunday is exactly the sort of loss that will send me into a dark room, by myself, with a bottle of whiskey.
Time to hit the hard stuff
To the domepiece, y’all. Straight to the domepiece.
I started this blog back in March, and this post marks entry number 100. Not bad for eight months, if I do say so myself. I knew that I had to do something big to mark the occasion, and there’s one post I’ve been meaning to write for months now. An old-fashioned tale-of-the-tape between The Wire and Breaking Bad.
Is this the greatest TV show ever?
Or is this?
First, a little introduction: You know that guy who is a total condescending jerk to everyone who hasn’t watched The Wire? That’s me. I’ve watched the show all the way through three times. If you’ve had a conversation with me at any time in the last five years, it’s a virtual certainty that I’ve dropped a reference to the show, whether you realized it or not. To be completely honest, when I find out someone I know has started the show but given up on it, or refuses to watch it for some reason, I lose respect for that person, even flat out like him or her a little bit less. Not only is The Wire my favorite show, I think it might be both the defining work of art and the most important political statement about America created in the 21st century.
So, it was a shock to me that, as I watched the the final season of Breaking Bad over a couple months back, I actually found myself seriously considering the question: Had Breaking Bad leapfrogged The Wire as the greatest TV show of all-time?
(Don’t even try to say Mad Men or The Sopranos, by the way: I like Mad Men and think it’s generally entertaining and well-written, but it shortchanges its more interesting characters and storylines–ahem, Peggy Olson–in the name of focusing on a character, Don Draper, who has barely evolved in five seasons; and The Sopranos, while it gets credit for ushering in the renaissance of television, is actually a show with a great first season and occasional great episodes (“Pine Barrens” is epic), but vast swaths of episodes that are pointless and boring (that multi-episode dream sequence where Tony is a stranded traveling salesman? Come on), not to mention a number of horrid actors (the Soprano kids, who at times made me want to dismember myself so I wouldn’t have to watch or listen to them)).
So, it’s time to do some soul-searching. I’m going to look back over the histories of both shows and, attempting to be as objective as possible, determine which is superior. Needless to say, from here on out, the spoiler alert is in effect.
Main Character
All true fans of The Wire know that the main character of the show is actually the city of Baltimore. But for the purposes of this comparison, I’ll choose the individual character around whom the show circles most often, Detective Jimmy McNulty. McNulty is, without a doubt, the most complex, interesting television cop ever. He’s a philandering, drunken disgrace. His ex-wife hates him. He barely knows his kids, who he puts in danger in one memorable scene by having them follow a drug dealer around a crowded marketplace. He has some of the most memorably hilarious sexual encounters in film history, including banging a homely waitress after drunkenly wrecking his car and having a threesome with two Russian hookers at a brothel while he’s on a sting operation. His calling card expression is “What the fuck did I do?” although his more telling quote is “Fuck the bosses.” He doesn’t give a fuck about who he steps on our burns along the way, as long as he can make a case. Which he gets away with, kinda sorta, because he’s the best homicide detective on the Baltimore PD. “Natural police,” as Sergeant Jay Landsman says.
It’s hard to believe there could be a more awesome character than Jimmy McNulty. But here’s the thing: The Wire offers a true ensemble cast, with a wealth of storylines going on at once. McNulty isn’t always the focal point. But Breaking Bad is all centered around one man, Walter White, who show-runner Vince Gilligan famously took “from Mr. Chips to Scarface.” Everything in Breaking Bad circles around Walter White’s descent into darkness, and the show is held together by the unparalleled performance of Bryan Cranston.
The edge here goes to Breaking Bad.
Supporting Characters
If anything, this is a tougher category to measure than the previous one. Breaking Bad is full of amazing secondary characters. There’s the hilarious, heartbreaking Jesse Pinkman (“Yeah Bitch, magnets!”); the stoic fixer, Mike; the deliciously crooked lawyer, “Better Call Saul!” Goodman; and of course Gus Fring, the stone-cold drug lord who’s brought down by an age-old vendetta, the one thing in the world he can’t look at rationally. Best supporting cast in the history of television, right?
Wrong. As much as The Wire‘s wide-angle focus cost us the previous category, it wins it this one. Check out this murderer’s row of supporting characters: Stringer Bell, the drug lord taking community college economics courses and running his organizational meetings according to Robert’s Rules of Order; Lester Freamon, the razor-sharp cop who puts the pieces of every puzzle together, when he’s not carving dollhouse miniatures to sell on the internet; Bubbles, the junkie with a heart of gold; D’Angelo Barksdale, the street slanger betrayed by his own conscience; Bunny Colvin, the rogue District Commander who decides to legalize drugs in West Baltimore; slimeball mayor Tommy Carcetti; Wee-Bey Brice, the Barksdale muscleman who takes a couple of murder charges in exchange for a pit-beef sandwich; Bodie Broadus, the tragic pawn who’s the only character in Season 4 to take a stand against the ruthless Marlo Stanfield; Detective Bunk Moreland, who burns his own clothes after a fling to get the smell of pussy off them; and of course Omar Little, the gay, shotgun-wielding not-quite-Robin Hood who robs drug dealers in West Baltimore but always sticks to his code: never put your gun on nobody who ain’t in the game.
I could name twenty more characters (I didn’t even mention the kids in Season 4!) , but you get the point: The Wire wins this one in a walk.
Use of Setting
Breaking Bad gets a lot out of its setting, the tract houses of Albuquerque and the high desert that surrounds that New Mexico city. In particular, the opening scenes of “Ozymandias” mine that landscape perfectly, showing the loneliness of the landscape where Walt and Jesse cooked their first batch of meth, then having those images fade away, leaving behind the same exact location, but a world in which everything has changed, a world in which an Aryan Nation gang boss coldly executes Hank, Walt’s DEA-agent brother-in-law, the gunshot ringing off the stark red rock walls of the Tohajiilee Indian Reservation.
Setting functions differently in The Wire. The show attempts to embody its setting, the city of Baltimore, with each episode examining a key institution–the police and the drug dealers, the blue collar workers on the docks, the politicians in city hall, the teachers and administrators in the schools, and the reporters and editors at the newspaper–and how the failures of each of these institutions cause the degradation of an American city, American society. The reason The Wire is able to get into its setting in such depth and detail is because its creators really know the place inside and out: David Simon was a crime reporter for the Baltimore Sun for many years, and Ed Burns was a BPD homicide detective before becoming a middle school teacher in West Baltimore. Vince Gilligan and his team are great writers, but their use of Albuquerque was actually a somewhat fortuitous decision driven by budgeting–Breaking Bad was originally going to be set in California’s Inland Empire, but moved to Albuquerque for budget reasons.
The winner, not surprisingly, is The Wire. I mean, fans of the show have created self-guided location tours of West Baltimore. Which, seriously, is insane
Writing
“Writing” may be too broad a category, as it includes plot structure, characterization, and dialogue. Both of these shows really master each of these elements. They’re both shows in which, to quote Lester Freamon, “All the pieces matter.” There’s nothing wasted in either show–you knew the ricin cigarette was going to come back in Breaking Bad; Season 2 of The Wire, which focused on the stevedores of Baltimore Harbor, seemed like a strange change of direction at the time it aired, but ended up being a crucial part of the show’s narrative. In terms of structure, I’d call it a draw–both shows are so meticulously crafted, it’d be splitting hairs to pick one over the other. Same thing with characterization, although I have some issues with Walter White’s development in Season 5, which I’ll get into a bit lower in this post. But both shows are full of fascinating characters that, for the most part, stay true to themselves.
And both shows have great dialogue. GREAT DIALOGUE. But, to me, The Wire has a slight edge in dialogue, again, in large part because of the familiarity the writers have with the city of Baltimore. The characters sound so real that a lot of people can’t follow the accents and slang (when I forced my then-girlfriend to watch The Wire, she needed subtitles). To me, this is a good thing–I’ll take authenticity over simplicity anytime. And when you go looking for clips of these shows on YouTube, you can’t help but come across the “100 Greatest Quotes” clip from The Wire. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched this. It’s spectacular.
I give this one to The Wire.
Cinematography
This one’s easy. When you watch The Wire, it feels like you’re watching a TV show. When you watch Breaking Bad, it’s something else. The camera work is amazing. This is largely because Breaking Bad used a cast of directors, from Michelle McLaren (who directed the episode where Hank had the shootout with the twins) to Rian Johnson (the director of the films Brick and Looper). Breaking Bad has a bit of an unfair advantage in this category, because film technology has improved so much in the time since The Wire ended, but you have to evaluate each show for what it is, and Breaking Bad is without a doubt the most spectacularly cinematic television show ever made. So Breaking Bad takes this one.
Realism
Breaking Bad is exciting and entertaining, and it feels real because it’s so well-written. But even the show’s creators will say that it’s not meant to be realistic, per se (take, for example the Danny Trejo severed head/tortoise bomb). The Wire is so realistic that the show’s creators hired ex-con Baltimore native Felicia “Snoop” Pearson (who is amazing and also basically unintelligible) to play a key character in seasons 3–5. The show’s writers actually have to tone down some real-life events to make them more believable: When Omar jumps out of a fourth-story window and survives in Season 5 , that’s based on Donnie Andrews, who inspired Omar’s character, jumping out of a sixth-story window to escape a trap. So, obviously, The Wire takes this one.
Action and Suspense
The Wire is full of suspense, but it’s a slow-burn; the show takes its time making things happen. And as far as action, there’s actually very little–even the gunfights are short, which is a testament to the show’s realism, because real street war gunfights happen in a flash. Breaking Bad, on the other hand is full of epic, amazing action sequences. The scene between Hank and the twins was probably the single greatest action sequence in television history–until the scene where Gus poisoned an entire Mexican drug cartel.
I mean, that shit is FUCKING AWESOME. My buddy Matt was a late-adopter of Breaking Bad, who watched the show because I insisted he had to (I actually turned him onto The Wire as well–so you’re welcome twice, Bergs), and he ended up watching most of it in a single week-long binge while he was home sick from work. At one point during that week, I received a text message out of the blue that said, “Gus just poisoned the entire Cartel and Don Eladio fell in the pool. FUCKING AWESOME.”
On top of all this, every single episode in the final season ended with a cliffhanger that made you wonder how you were going to make it a whole week until the next episode. In case you couldn’t tell, Breaking Bad is FUCKING AWESOME.
Best Season
I think both shows peak in their fourth seasons. For Breaking Bad, that’s the season that includes the aforementioned scene with Gus poisoning the cartel, along with all of the incredibly tense scheming and strategizing by Walt as he attempts to defeat Gus, ending with the incredible scene that gives the episode “Face Off” its name.
I mean, HOLY SHIT.
But still, the fourth season of The Wire is on another level. This is the famous season in which the show dives into the failing public schools of West Baltimore (which of course represent the failure of the American educational system at large) and introduces four new characters, the eighth-grade crew of Michael, Randy, Namond, and Dukie, who burrow their way into your heart and then completely tear it apart. Words like important and impactful probably get thrown around too much when it comes to The Wire, but fuck it, this is the most important season of any show ever aired on television. If that’s not enough, this season also features Bodie’s tragic demise, Bubbles’ unbelievably brutal botched hot-shot, and the unforgettable opening scene where Snoop buys the nail gun at the hardware store.
The Wire keeps that shit. It earned that bump like a motherfucker.
Best Episode
It’s hard to pick a single greatest episode of The Wire. The show doesn’t function that way: it’s less of a serial, short-story collection than it is one really long novel. I have a few favorites, of course: the finale of Season 4; the Season 1 episode that features Omar shooting Wee-Bey and uttering his famous “You come at the king, you best not miss” line, as well as McNulty following Stringer to his macroeconomics class and Bunk burning his clothes; the penultimate episode of Season 3, when Avon and Stringer give each other up; and the underrated Season 2 episode that features both D’Angelo’s death and Omar’s unforgettable courtroom testimony.
Breaking Bad also has any number of awesome episodes, but in my humble opinion its best episode–and the best single episode of any television show–is “Ozymandias,” the Season 5 episode in which everything falls apart in the New Mexico desert. The neo-Nazis kill Hank, steal Walt’s money, and imprison Jesse, and Walt has an insanely tense fight with Skyler before taking Saul’s magical disappearing pill. Every shot in this episode is perfect, but my favorite part is the opening scene, the flashback that takes us back to the first episode of the show, Walt and Jesse’s first cook, which fades away to the tragedy about to unfold.
The episode takes its name from a Percy Byshe Shelley poem about a king who has watched his empire crumble and disappear into the desert, the sands of time, and it fully lives up to the literary aspirations of its title. Well done, Breaking Bad. Well done.
Final Season
The Wire‘s fifth season, which focuses on the importance of newspapers, is rightly considered to be a bit weak in comparison to the other seasons. I personally think the problem with this season is that David Simon, a former Baltimore Sun reporter who took a buyout from the newspaper after the Tribune Company began newsroom lay-offs, was a bit too close to the subject matter and had a few too many axes to grind. The serial killer plot is also weak compared to some of the other storylines the show explored, and to this day I still don’t quite buy that McNulty would go through with the fake murders.
Breaking Bad, meanwhile, had what is justifiably considered to be the best final season of any television show. The final season (and what I’m referring to is the second half, or final eight episodes, of the bifurcated fifth season) was a riveting thrill-ride. However, I have a fairly major complaint about this season, on which my attorney agreed with me: Vince Gilligan’s oft-quoted tagline for the show is that “Mr. Chips turns into Scarface,” but he actually doesn’t deliver on it. Walt gets juuuust to the edge of being Scarface, but in the second half of this season, he’s notably less evil. As Grantland’s Andy Greenwald noted on several occasions, he tries to bury Heisenberg and go back to being Walter White. The last episode of the show is incredible, but it also feels like a cheat: I watched it at a bar, and everyone (including me) was cheering on Walt and rooting for him to win. That was a major shift from the first half of Season 5, which saw Walt going down the dark path to Hades. So, while I loved the final season, I can’t help but think it was a bit of a cop-out.
Don’t get me wrong, Breaking Bad still wins this category. But I would argue that it’s closer than you think.
Final Episode
As I mentioned above, I love the final episode of Breaking Bad, but I do think that the show shies away from its mission. I mean, at the end of the show, Walt basically gets to win. Yeah, he loses his family, but by that point his goals aren’t about his family anymore. He settles all business, takes out his enemies, and proves that he’s the smartest guy in the room. As fun as it was to watch, it was just a bit disappointing. All the loose ends got tied up just a bit too neatly, just a bit too perfectly.
The Wire, for all the flak it somewhat justifiably takes for its final season, has a killer final episode. Titled “–30–” (reporter lingo for the end of a story), this episode also ties up the show’s loose ends, but it does it with the main message of the show still intact. Every season of The Wire ends with a montage, and the one that closes the series shows that all the holes left by characters who have died or left the game for one reason or another have been filled by other characters. This is the whole point of the show: The institutions in this country are so fucked, so self-propagating, that we’re essentially helpless to change things. It’s not totally hopeless–Bubbles kicks heroin and gets to eat dinner with his sister, after all–but it’s mostly grim and completely, utterly true.
I know that this is basically a rehashing of the montage at the end of Season 1, and I’m probably in the minority here, but I think, because of its fidelity to the truth and itself, The Wire has the better final episode.
Cultural Impact
Breaking Bad was definitely watched by more people while it was on. The final season was basically an eight-week-long cultural event. The show took over the internet, the New Yorker, and basically all other forms of high-minded media.
But will we still be talking about Breaking Bad five years from now? I’m not so sure. As awesome as it is, it doesn’t really say anything. (For what it’s worth, this is my major complaint about Mad Men as well.) There’s an argument that the story works as a metaphor for suburban white middle class alienation, but I don’t really buy that.
The Wire, on the other hand, as I said in my intro, is a sort of political manifesto, a sociological breakdown of why our country is falling apart. David Simon has said that the show is about the end of the American empire, and it goes to great lengths explaining why we are falling into ruin. The venal and the self-interested rule our institutions. Our schools suck and our factories have shuttered, and both these conditions lead our urban poor into the only business available to them: the drug trade. And our police, our government, and our legal system have declared war on the very citizens they are supposed to serve with the shockingly stupid, racist, short-sighted “War on Drugs.” As Carver says way back in Season 1: “You can’t call this shit a war. Wars end.”
I don’t think there is a single book, movie, or any other piece of art out there that better explains just how fucked our society is. I’m sorry, but if you care about the world we live in, you have to watch The Wire. I’ll step down off my podium now, but not before I reiterate that The Wire offers the single best summary of the problems with American life in the early 21st Century.
The Verdict
By a count of 7-5, The Wire emerges victorious, and remains the greatest show in the history of television. Breaking Bad is a wildly entertaining, incredibly well-written show, but it doesn’t say something about our lives the way that The Wire does. They’re both great shows, but for me it’s that gap in ambition that separates the two.
From a Brooklyn Basement 
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